Eat, drink and the Woolwich Ferry

Now I realise that I am hardly prolific, this is not my fault. My employers continue to work me like the cheap slave that I am and the kitchen has just been finished.

The trial of one month sans kitchen was, for a man of my advanced bone structure, quite a trial. Indeed I took to my bed one day after a particularly disappointing liason with a briquette.

Having said all of this I am looking to try something interactive. In much the same way a serial killer may inform the police of his intention (most are men) to kill I inform of my intention to cook.

Tomorrow night i will be taking some very fine Italian sausages, picked up at the farmers market for a bargain price, and broiwning the outside in a little olive oil over a meidum heat. Add some chopped Salami to the pan and 2 lightly smashed cloves of Garlic. Cook until browned then place in a casserole dish. Cover with Puy lentils and then pour enough stock (i use Marigold bouillon 1 level teaspoon to each 250 ml water up to 4 spoons) to cover the lentils with 1/2 inch to spare above the food line. Place in an oven and cook at 170C (fan assisted) for 1 hour.

I will be serving this with a red wine and some atmosphere (not the Russ Abbot type).

Now I've been away, this can can be explained by one of two reasons, either i have had the pleasure of spending time in a belgians basement or Minty is once again in the family way. All this has been somewhat challenging for yours truly. Only today we were at Tescos legs' for a BBQ. The food was not too shabby, the Brewer does a fine burger and the afternoon was only held back by a plague of copulating flying ants (no really) and a particularly poor Spanish Rose, I know I should have said no but what can a man do.

Anyway whilst tehre is still a vestige of sun hanging about get out there and get the grill going.
Slap into the belly of a nice looking trout (slimy skin, shiny eyes and good clouring are a must) a little fennel, splash the cavity with a little pernod, salt and black pepper. 8 minutes on each side on a medium heat for a 1lb (450gm) fish. Serve with watercress that has been added with olive oil to some boiled anya (nutty and sweet) potatoes. The watercress wilts and the olive oil creates a nice moisture. Serve with a little White Rioja, something the Spanish do very well. Enjoy.

Incidentally, flying ants taste rather bland, in case you were wondering, but slightly better than the Rose.

Husband,

Irritated on two counts- firstly am irked at thought of Diplomat having recipe printed. Secondly am incredibly irked that you have put my limited repertoire of five dishes into the public field. Feel that I should at least be given the chance to point out that though I only do five dishes, I do them very well. Better than you. So to prove the point here follows my recipe for very cheap, some might say slutty, Shepherd's Pie.

1 small pack mince (beef or lamb)
1 small tin of petit pois (or a small mug of same, frozen)
medium onion
mushrooms (however many you like, whatever sort you like, depends how mushroomy you like it)
3 or 4 large potatoes (less if you prefer a thinner layer of mash)
grated cheddar (as much as you like)
gravy granules
olive oil
saltpepper
marmite
mushroom ketchup;
worcester sauce;
brown sauce (see what you have in the cupboard)
Leeks also work well in this dish. If you fancy them, add them at the onion stage.

This is quick to prepare and the measurements and most of the ingredients depend on personal taste, what needs using up and what is lurking in the cupboard.I like a thick and salty meal (as Tony will attest) so I am fairly heavy handed with the seasoning.

Heat a generous slug of olive oil then chuch in a roughly chopped onion. Leave to sweat for a minute or so then add mushrooms. Once they start shrinking down slightly, throw meat into pan and stir around. Once brown, add peas.Make up half a pint of gravy. The trickwith shepherd's pie is to make it twice as thick as normal- and depending on your personal preference you may only use a small portion of what you make up. I favour a moist but not soggy pie so often I add too much and have to pour off the excess later.Add splashes of gravy to pan until required level of juiciness is achieved.Reduce heat so that concoction gently simmers and stir periodically while adding seasoning to taste. I chuck in a hefty pinch of salt and several twists of pepper, a splosh of worcester sauce and a couple of large teaspoons of marmite. (If marmite is not your mate, do not worry- you'd never know it was there. Tony didn't for years).I tend to add mushroom ketchup if I did not have many mushrooms to add, and brown sauce as seasoning is new discovery (thank you Tony) and used sparingly does indeed add a certain spicy, fruity something.

Once seasoning is complete, pour everything into a large casserole dish and leave to cool. This is imperative, otherwise mash sinks into mixture- Tony hates this. He has issues with different coloured food merging with white. Odd.

Over boil potatoes (for easier mashing). Add a knob of butter and get husband to mash. For some reason his wrists are stronger than mine. Stir in as much cheese as is humanly possible, Spread on top of cooled mixture. Cover top in remains of grated cheese.Cook on middle shelf at 180degrees for about 40 mins.This also freezes really well. Just put it together but do not oven cook.Tony junior likes shepherd's pie made with a mushroom stock cube rather than gravy granules and no other seasoning. I puree the meat part and use less cheese in the mash.So there you go. Put in blog or have a miserable time at home for a while.

Lots of Love,Minty Thyn-Lavage

I was in the local Supermarket the other night and caught one of the checkout staff entering into a little arse mining. A fine pass time for someone about to handle your food. This particular individual is well known locally for her ongoing relationship with the attitude monkey. As you near the till the monkey climbs over her back and suggests that it may be a good idea for her to grunt in my general direction whilst chewing and excavating the rectal nuggets.

I was in the shop looking for some chick peas. Prior to Christmas I received an email from an individual I shall refer to as the distant voice. The distant voice was particularly keen for ideas for lunches, on the face of it this was a simple task, however the distant voice complicated this by adding that the food must be gluten free. The Haloumi sandwich was instantly shot down in flames. I decided to go for Houmous as it is portable easily made and anything but bland.

Take a tin of chick peas, 2 cloves of Garlic, the juice of 2 lemons, 50ml of olive oil (I also add a small slug of Chili oil) and 2 large teaspoons of Tahini (a sesame seed paste that is widely available). Blend together and it, it really is that simple. Cut a selection of vegetables into long stick, dip in and enjoy.

Preparation time 10 minutes
Serves 2-4
1 tin chick peas
2 cloves Garlic
2 Lemons
50ml Olive oil
2 teaspoons of Tahini
Selection of vegetables

“Sometimes you want something meaty and warming, sometimes a little something less filling”. My utter amazement as the words left Minty’s mouth can only be gauged by use of a barometer. As the pressure began to rise and my jaw began to drop, she found her way to inform me that the chicken had been something of a success. It’s a difficult time of year for food. The slothful glaze of Christmas persists yet the weather is scarcely improved enough to justify anything but warm food. Roasted Chicken with Greek Salad offers a good compromise.

Roast Chicken is a great thing to have in your repertoire and as comforting as food comes. Don’t scrimp on the Chicken. Buying poor Chicken is false economy; it’s tasteless full of chemicals and a half decent free-range bird should not cost more than 5 or 6 pounds. To put that into context that’s less than 2 pints or 2 Big Mac Meals.

The best recipe I have found for chicken is from Nigella Lawson, stick half a Lemon up the Chickens bum, rub in olive oil, salt and pepper and cook for 20mins per pound of weight plus 20 minutes (it’s cooked when the juices from the middle of the leg run clear. Minty wishes it to be clarified that her mother was sticky Lemons up the backend of birds as far back as the 60’s.

For the salad, chop Kos lettuce, tomato, and cucumber finely and place in a salad bowl. Throw in some de-stoned olives and feta cheese. Dress with lemon juice and olive oil. If you want to serve a sauce with this there are two options. The first is to mix the juice of half a lemon, 150ml of single cream or equivalent and the cooking juices from the chicken. The second is to add some cornflour slurry (cold water and cornflour mixed) and cold water to the cooking juices.

Cooking time 1hr 20 mins (approx) for 1.5kg chicken
Preparation time 15 mins
Serves 4-8

Ingredients
1 free-range chicken
1 Lemon
2 Kos Lettuce
6 Tomatoes
150gm Olives
200gm Feta cheese
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper

Coeliac friendly recipe

It's that time of year again, feeling less than sparkling this morning having gone in for the over indulgence that seems de riguer this time of year. Having already had 2 out this morning I am facing the very real prospect of the follow on or should that be through. Anyway its the time of year when carbohydrates begin to amass in the fridge like second rate carol singers appear at the door. Go in for a fish cake you'll be glad you did, slightly outdated i know, but no less valid.
Use some of that left over fish mixed with the mash a slug of chilli oil and a few fresh herbs, Basil works suspiciously well. Dust each side with flour and fry in a little hot sunflower oil for 6 minutes on each side on a medium heat.
Serve with a little creme fraiche.
Lovely, I'm off for a Shanks interface.
Preparation time 1 minute
Cooking time 12 minutes
Serves 4-6
500gm Mashed potato or vegetables
200gm (1 normal sized fillet) fish
Chilli oil
Flour
Herbs
Creme Fraiche

Chaos reigns, the diplomat has only gone and submitted a recipe. An action somewhat akin to the appearance of Halle Bopp

A recipe from The Diplomat……
Suzhi Gosht (Lamb and spinach casserole from Afghanistan)
Serves 4
800g leg of lamb 1 tablespoon olive oil 2 medium sized onions, roughly chopped 1 teaspoon of tumeric 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon ground cardamon 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper 400g tin of tomatoes 250ml beef stock 200g spinach 200g plain yogurt Zest of 1 lemon 50g pine nuts
Cut the lamb into bite sized cubes and brown in olive oil. Add the onions and continue cooking for a few mins, then add garlic and cook for a further minute. Add the chopped tomatoes and the stock, stir, bring back to the boil, then cover and simmer for at least an hour until the meat is tender. Add the spinach and stir - it will only take a minute or so to cook - then add the yoghurt, toasted pine nuts and zest of the lemon. Add salt to taste. Serve with rice.
Ok I confess, it comes from a colleague of mine in Afghanistan……. TD

Some evenings you just can’t help noticing other peoples shopping baskets. My local shop has four types of midweek shopper: First up is the family shopper, meals revolve around a meat and two veg kind of affair and often comprise of whatever is easiest to produce en masse; the next type is the bargain hunter, any special offers are devoured irrespective of whether they need the product or not; the single male classically goes ready meal or steak with a four pack chaser (but more of him another time); finally there is the Bridget Jones type, young single and professional, their baskets comprise some bread and several bottles of white wine. One particular young lady in my road seems to always go for the Soave, mind you at £2.49 a bottle you can hardly blame her.

I can’t decide if this is a shocking indictment of the British approach to food or a reaction to our method of selling food. Go to any other country in the world and they try to create a market place, an area in which you can buy a variety of products, many of which are local or seasonal. This is the way forward. Having said that it is inevitable that you will have to shop at the local supermarket, if you are one such midweek wino why not put a little of the wine to a use other than dragging yourself further into the desperate gloom.

Bagged food is well known in many cultures, the French have en papillote and the Greeks go for Kleft cooking. My humble offer to this is the one bag meal. To make the bag fold a large sheet of foil in two, fold over two of the edges; one edge should be left open. By separating the two halves of the foil a bag should be made (a photo is available if you email me tonylavage@yahoo.com). Place a piece of meat or fish (Chicken, Pork, Trout, Bass or Bream work best), a selection of vegetables (I usually go for a potato cut into small chunks, a carrot chopped into pieces, a leek and some peas), a glass of wine and some salt and pepper in the bag. Fold over the final edge into a neat bag. Cook for 25 mins at 180C. When cooked serve in bag, the wine creates a sauce for the meal. Very clever.

Serves 1 per bag
Preparation time 10 minutes
Cooking time 25 minutes
Ingredients
Portion of meat or fish
Selection of veg
Glass of wine
Salt
Pepper

It has been a few weeks since the last recipe and I feel I should explain myself. Last month I was coveting an Ox and since have not only continued to covert the Ox but have gone the whole hog and married the damn thing. The ensuing transition between jobs has left me with little time to cook the food yet alone write the recipe down. The moist obvious consequence of this is Minty’s increased culinary activity, after 5 dishes we are beginning to near the end of her repertoire, her words not mine. Changing employers was far from being my only diversion. In the middle I fitted in a business trip across the channel to our Gallic brethren. The French are famous for a number of things, gastronomy being one, the others that spring to mind being cycling and poor personal hygiene. Now I am a major fan of the French, they are honest and fiercely proud and know more than most could ever hope about cheese. I offer to you this week, for your degustation, Tartiflette.

Tartiflette is a potato-based dish from the Haute Savoire, the region of France around the Alps. I recommend this dish as a midweek meal with leftovers or as a simple supper for friends. I always use leftover potato that has previously been boiled; it’s a great way to use up your leftover new potatoes. Chop the potatoes into slices about 1cm thick and place them in a dish with an onion that has been fried with a single chopped clove of garlic and some Pancetta (a word that comes up as Placenta on spell check) or bacon. Pour over 250ml of cream and place on top some good melting cheese (Tomme de Savoire is the authentic choice but unless you either live next door to a fromagerie or regularly travel to the Alps on business it is fairly hard to come across) Gruyere, Emmenthal or even Brie makes a more than adequate substitute. My local Tesco stocks Raclette an almost identical cheese so have a look out for what you can get. Cook for 20 mins at 180C.

Preparation time 15 minutes
Cooking time 20 minutes
Serves 2-4

Ingredients
500gm potato
1 onion
1 clove garlic
100gm Pancetta or Bacon
250ml cream or substitute (e.g. Elmlea)
250 gm Melting cheese

This week I have received the first of what I hope will be many requests for recipes. The request came from an overseas contact, the marine hound. The hound has been underground on what many myself included believed to be an attempt to avoid deportation. Last word we had from the hound he was hoping not to be separated from his new beau, a young lass whose charms were hard to avoid.

His request is to find a use for an abundance of fish, a problem I have been lucky to avoid since alligning myself with minty. In the years preceeding mind, a young Irish maiden springs to mind.

First off make a stock by boiling the fish heads with a few vegetables (whatever is available) for 30 mins then strain through a sieve. Place 3 onions, 4 crushed cloves of garlic, 2 peeled tomatoes (tinned is ok), thyme, fennel, bay leaves, a piece of orange peel and parsley into a large pan with some oil (if you cant get them all go for a mixture as best you can, garlic and onion are essential with at least 2 herbs). When softened (about 5 mins on a medium heat) add the fish stock 300ml per person and return to the boil. When simmering add the fish (the hound mentioned gray and silk snapper plus a couple of coney (like grouper) a nice spiny lobster) this can be any fish available the skill is in having a mixture, cook for 5 minutes and then add the seafood (prawns, crab, lobster, mussels whatever you have) cook for 5 more minutes. Add salt, pepper and 1 thick slice of bread per person and a slug of the local spirit (this is the bit that makes your stew so special), stir. Cook for 5 more minutes. Serve with crusty bread, impress lady friend (though not minty as she feels this smells like pants). Hopefully the hound will cook this on the beach and serve with crusty bread, white wine and a sunset (don't say uncle Tony's not a romantic at heart, bit of De Burgh and your sorted).

Cooking time 30 mins
Preparation time 40 mins (unless you have to catch the fish)

Ingredients
3 onions
4 cloves of garlic
2 peeled tomatoes
Thyme
Fennel
Bay Leaves
Orange peel
Parsley
Selection of fish
Selection of seafood
Fish stock
Salt
Pepper
Bread

If you try any of these recipes can you please provide feedback by using the comments facility. Click on the comments hyperlink and leave a message.

The press is awash this week with Chavs. A group who depending on who you believe worship Posh and Becks as their new monarchs, desperately need to wear burberry check or are essentially what is known in my house as scutters. Next week the press will have a new hatred (when the Daily Mail starts to use a phrase you know its really passe). I bring this up as it is a fine segway to discuss slut food.

Minty often comments that I can't really do slut food. I must admit that what usually is produced when aiming for the slut option is far too sophisticated for the average Chav. Think pot noodle, packet macaroni cheese, Princess tinned hotdogs and you're somewhere near. Slut food is the choice when you are a)feeling tired an lazy or b)just been dumped. This, I must admit is an area our transalantic cousins excell at. They seem tobe able to take good, flavoursome ingredients and turn them into something you may expect to be fed in a trailer park. Now don't misunderstand, I like a slutty old burger or chips as much as the next boy but it has a particular place in my life and that place is weeknights when I can't be bothered to make the effort, Herta hotdogs tend to be my macerated animal testicle meal of choice.

As such I present to you the nearest I can get to slut food, the homemade fish finger sandwich (Minty despairs, she's a big fan of the Captain).

Take a fillet of White fish (Cod, Haddock etc), Monkfish is surprisingly effective. Cut into 5cm long and 2cm wide strip. Dip in flour, beaten egg and breadcrumbs. Fry in hot oil (Groundnut is best but Sunflower does the job, as long as the oil can withstand high heat). When golden (apporx 6 mins later) dry on kitchen towel and place on bread with Heinz Ketchup (anything else false economy). Eat wearing large 9ct Gold chain.

Preparation time 5 mins
Cooking time 7 mins

Ingredients
200gm White fish (per person)
1 egg
Flour
Breadcrumbs
Heinz Ketchup
White bread

As regular readers are aware my friend Pat found himself quite the catch earlier this year. Having trawled the sea of availability he landed himself a fine specimen. Not a small achievement given his inability to ask a lady out. Anyway things progressed; a date led to a kiss, a kiss led to the inevitable; and the inevitable has led to co-habitation. A strange cycle of events given that Pat was with Eeyore for 9 years and never so much as sniffed at her doorway. Needless to say this has been a source of much debate with Minty. She always felt Pat would walk into love after the first fright (see Eeyore). Anyway a chap like Pat now has love to think of and was you've wooed a lady friend, you have to keep her interested. As they've just moved in together Pat should invite old friends round for supper (it sounds posher than dinner and is less formal) and knock up some fine fare (a very poor supermarket chain in the early 80's). Take the hint Pat.

Get yourself a Tagine, Minty and I got ours from the French Market 14 quid, quite a bargain, essentially its the thing that looks like a witches hat on top of a fruit bowl. Into said vessel, place 8 Chicken thighs (bone in) that have been browned in some olove oil in a pan. Then add 4 large peeled potatoes cut into pieces. Fry 1 large onion, 2 smashed cloves of garlic, some fresh corriander (you can use the stuff out of a jar), 2 lemons cut into wedges (8 pieces) and a chili until lightly browned (do this on a low heat). When cooked, chuck this on top of the chicken and potatoes add salt, pepper and 1 pint of chicken stock, top with fresh chopped mint.

Cook in an oven at 180c for 1hr 30mins
Serve direct from the tagine.

Serves 4-8

Preparation time 20 mins
Cooking Time 1hr 30mins

Ingredients
8 Bone in Chicken Thighs
4 large peeled potatoes
1 Large Onion
2 cloves Garlic
2 Lemons
Fresh Corriander (1 teaspoon if from jar, 1 handful if fresh)
1 fresh chili
1 pint chicken stock
1 small handful fresh mint
Salt
Pepper

I came home yesterday, to find Minty roasting a bird. Now for those of you familiar with the late Ted Rogers may be particularly alarmed by this phrase, but I can assure you there were no Sapphic shenanigans going on at Chez Tony (not that most would complain if there were). After I had gotten over my initial shock I set up an impromptu war council. After all, the kitchen is my preserve, my sanctuary. I was well into formulating a cunning plan to serve the said bird with a mango yoghurt and coriander dip in pitta breads when Minty rather cruelly instructed me to change Tony Jrs’ underpants. This quite put me off the mango sauce and can only be described as traumatic at the point at which Jr, sans underwear, decided he hadn’t quite finished after all.

None of this of course detracted from my procuring the bones for stock, a stock that will be put to good use in my Chicken and Carrot soup.

To start a small caveat. You do not have to make your own stock; there are some very good stock cubes, bouillons and ready-made stocks out there. But, should you be as fortunate as I to come home to find your partner roasting a bird it seems a waste not to, it will keep in the freezer for 3 months.

For the stock boil the bones (stripped of the meat) of a chicken with a stick of celery, half an onion, a beaten clove of garlic and a carrot, in a pan of water and boil for an hour. Remove the bones and add the chicken meat, 5 carrots, 1 potato and cook for 30 mins. Blend the soup add a pinch of cayenne pepper, salt and pepper to taste and 250ml of single cream (Elmlea if health conscious).

Ingredients
1 leftover chicken
6 Carrots
1 Potato
1 Stick of celery
1 Clove of Garlic
250ml single cream
Cayenne Pepper
Salt
Pepper

Serves 4-6

Preparation time 15 mins
Cooking time 1hr 30 mins (making stock) 30 mins (ready made stock)

Much has been in the news recently of rebellion. What with Maggie's boy landing him self in hot water, Prezza and Gordon resisting the return of Milburn and eveyone on Tyneside, with the exception of the fans, keen to rid themselves of the manager I begin to wonder for my own safety. Surely the world of second rate middle managers are not plotting my overthrow, but you can never be sure.

I remember a friend once telling me that the best place to be in the event of mutiny is close to the brown but not so close that it leaves a stench. This was of course totally unfathomable at the time, as all I was asking was whether or not he thought it was the right choice to have put the Crusaders into bat. Now though I begin to see his meaning, only last week I was coveting someones Ox (this was of course a job not a large uncompromising beast, but please work with the laboured metaphor). My decision as to how plump the Oxen is really, is still in the balance. Which on reflection should leave me very worried about my security as if I'm coverting their Ox what are they doing to my grass. It is after all always greener on the other side.

Now that my head is hurting and my senses are ravaged, not to mention an over active well of foreboding I need something to help me feel better. For this purpose I have chosen a simple pudding, yes a pudding, I don't do many but this is a little corker.

Take about 200gm (1 large bar of dark chocolate, try to go for something with more than 70% cocoa solids) melt it in a bain marie (posh word for bowl over pan of boiling water) with 1 tub (about 250gm) mascarpone cheese. Add a large slug of alcohol, I usually go for brandy but the brewer got me some fine raisin brandy from the continent and that would do, about 2-3 measures. Stir until melted, then place in small pots and place in the fridge until set.

Minty swears by this pudding, she reckons it got her through the pregnancy, well this and the bacon double cheesburgers. A nice varation may be to make two lots one with white chocolate and one with dark chocolate and to set the white chocolate first then to add the dark chosclate on top, to give a layered effect. It also goes well served with raspberries. Very much in season right now.

Preparation time 2 minutes to produce 2 hours to set
Cooking time 10 minutes

Ingredients
200gr Dark Chocolate
250gr Mascarpone cheese
Alcohol

I feel my honour has been besmirched and I must uphold my good name. The Diplomat, disappointed by my lack of humour felt compelled to communicate his feelings. It must be the draining nature of providing a management rectum cleaning service that is sapping my reserves of humour. I must confess to falling into a susceptible middle managers bullemia. Kissing excessive amounts of posterior followed by a metaphorical purge of my innards when i realise the gluttony. Such thoughts of eating disorders remind me of a time when I was working with such troubled individuals. The skill of secreting an entire croissant into 5 fingernails is something which will long live with me. So adept at concealing things about their person they, this select band of individuals , a former Royal included, should be put to use in the secret service. An idea I should pass on to the diplomat, he would no doubt have the connections to expedite such a plan.

This is of course all totally irrelevant but hopefully you are now better informed. As I let my mind wander desperately trying not to do any work, I start to salivate at the prospect of tonights supper. Steamed smoked haddock on a bed of spinach.

Take a decent piece of smoked haddock (the undyed stuff is better, but don't worry if you can only get the canary yellow stuff) season with salt and pepper and place a knob of butter on top. Steam for 7 minutes (5 if a thin fillet 9 if very thick) sitting on top of a bed of the spinach (another gift from the Brewers' mother). The best way to steam is using a bamboo steamer over a wok of boiling water, they cost about 50p in most chinese supermarkets and will last a lifetime.

Very healthy, very low fat to please our feeding challenged fiends and simple.

Preparation time 2 minutes
Cooking time 5-10 minutes

Ingredients (per person)
1 smoked Haddock Fillet (approx 200gm in weight)
Spinach (as much as you want)
Butter
Salt and Pepper

Tesco legs has a surplus on french beans. The said beans were a donation from the Brewers' mother. I of course had an immediate recommendation in the shape of French Bean, Courgette, Garlic and Basil salad. Now I appreciate that it's drawing close to Autumn but what better way to finish off those summer greens than with an italian style flourish. On the whole, salads are viewed as a somewhat aneamic choice, compared to say a slab of animal flesh. This is a rather restricted view, what can be better than a salad, some fresh bread and a bottle of good dry White?

Cook the beans in boiling, salted water and drain (this takes approximately 5 minutes). Slice the courgettes into long thin strips 1/2 a cm wide. Fry them gently in olive oil with 2 finely chopped cloves of garlic. Just before they are cooked add freshly chopped basil and the french beans, cook for a futher minute. Serve with the above mentioned items.

Preparation time 5 minutes

Cooking time 10-15 minutes
Serves 2
Ingredients
1 Courgette
25-40 french beans (approx)
2 cloves garlic
10 fresh basil leaves (approx)
Salt and Pepper

The car has been vandalized and we've been living out of the cupboards. This does not pose the problems you would think, with a few reinforcements from the garden I have managed to cobble together some more than passable meals. Having said that, it is nice to have been able to attack the supermarket with some gusto and now that the car, sans stereo, has been returned, Minty and I did just that.

I had decided sometime around midday during a lull in work, that at best could be explained by an overactive work ethic on the Monday, to have a steak. To me steak is a treat, something to be savoured, a guilty pleasure that lifts an evening above the humdrum. As I have mentioned before steak style meat products are very much the food equivalent of pop starlets. If the burger is Britney Spears, slightly trashy, simple and ultimately a guilty satisfaction, Steak is the Jessica Simpson. On the surface slightly less common but essentially the same when you get down to the nitty gritty.

I must confess to being quite bewildered by the provenance of much of the steak on offer at my local supermarket. Brazillian, Argentinian, French, Irish, and British beef all vying for my attention on the chilled isle. My advice is stick with the British beef, not for any nationalistic pride but more because I know how I would feel if I had travelled all the way from Brazil and I imagine the Steak feels much the same. Buy something 1/2 inch think and with a good deep red/crimson colour and plenty of small fat veins running through it.

Cooking steak is a personal thing, I veer on the bloody side and Minty likes medium. For rare 2 minutes on each side, 4 for medium and 6 for well done. Use a heavy based pan or griddle use olive oil sparingly and ensure that the pan is really hot before putting the steaks in. Season the steak on the cooked side after turning. When finished take out of the pan and leave to sit for a minute or so on the side.

To compliment the steak cut a crusty baguette in two and put Dijon mustard or Horseradish on both insides of the baguette. On 1 half put some mixed salad leaves on the othe put some fried mushrooms that have been finely sliced and fried in olive oil.

Slap the steak in the middle and cut the bagette in half. This is delicious and the perfect thing midweek to satisfy the carnivore.

Preparation time 2 minutes
Cooking time 10-15 minutes

Ingredients
As much steak as you fancy (about 250-300gram Sirloin or Rump) 1/2 inch thick per person
1 Baguette
3-5 Mushrooms per person
Any salad leaves
Dijon mustard or Horseradish
Salt and Pepper

Having spent my day up to my ears in metaphorical sewage my thoughts turned to fish pie. Now stick with me on this it isn't the extraordinary leap you think it is. I read today that flooding had caused the release of a torrent of effluent into the Thames, some would claim the Thames is a flood of effluent but apparently the river of late has been rather clean. The upshot of this is that a large number of fish, in the Brentford area no less, were enjoying the crystal clear waters until the river of turds arrived. They have since been killed by the pollution, told you I would get there eventully. Hardly whetting the appetite am I.

Take any fish, I like to use Salmon and Smoked Haddock, and cut into 1/2 inch chunks. Place them in the bottom of a pie dish and season with salt, pepper and a squeeze of Lemon. In a pan heat 1 tub of cream, use Elmlea if you're worried about the fat content. To the cream add 250grams (1 small block) of cheddar cheese, a teaspoon of mustard and a good handful of frozen peas. Stir until the cheese is dissolved then pour over the fish, cover with mash (those feeling lazy can buy the mash ready made). Bake in an oven for 40 minutes. Eat, unless te fish was caught in Brentford!

Preparation time 10 minutes
Cooking time 40 hours
Serves 4-6

Ingredients
500 grams Fish (2 reasonable sized fillets)
1 250ml tub cream
250 grams Cheddar Cheese
4-6 large potatoes (for mash)
1 teaspoon mustard
1 handful frozen peas
Salt
Pepper
Lemon

It strikes me that commuting is a singularly strange thing to do. I am a commuter; I kid myself that the 90-minute journey is worth travelling for my ultimately frustrating and demeaning job. This is of course quite untrue. Take many of the commuters around me, few of them look happy; most of them look barely alive. Take the woman sitting opposite me. Drawn face, bags under the eyes, vacant stare. She’s by no means ugly but you can’t help feeling she could do with something, a personality bypass or perhaps a little alcoholic fillip.

This is something a little different for those summer evenings, it works well with other booze but I like it best as margarita. Take some watermelon cut into 1-inch cubes; stick it in a freezer bag and leave for 30-60 minutes in the freezer. When fairly frozen but not solid take the melon out and stick it in a blender add enough Tequila for your taste (I like a lot), a squeeze of fresh lime and blend until liquefied. Pour into cocktail glass and serve to amazed friends/guests/self. It comes out a fabulous vivid pink colour and will cheer up even old misery guts opposite!



Cooking Time 30 Seconds (60 minutes if you include freezing)
Serves as many as you want it to!

Ingredients
Melon
Tequila
Lime

“I told the boss I want to go cycling round Europe for four months” these words appeared to be emanating from my old pal Boz’s mouth. Now Boz is an upwardly mobile and fairly good-looking chap he has a pretty decent job and a corker of a lady friend, life should be sweet. It turns out that Boz is going through something of mid-life crisis (made all the more alarming by his relatively tender 27 years). Boz is not unlike many his age in yearning for more than work, drinks and a spot of brown nosing in exchange for the best part of you life and an extra 5K a year.

Anyway my advice was take the risk, why not, fill your boots. This recipe is in tribute to Boz a man who has done what many of us wish we could do. A cyclist’s luncheon to load the carbs and focus the mind.

Finely chop 3 tomatoes, a clove of garlic, an onion and a stalk of celery. Fry the onion celery and garlic in a little olive oil, when lightly browned add the tomatoes and cook until softened. Add 250ml of water, salt to taste and a tin of beans (borlotti, fava, or canellini) cook for a further 1-hour and add some chopped sausage (salami, chorizo whatever is in the pantry). Cook for a further 5 minutes. Serve with crusty bread, fresh air and a glass of red wine. Get back on the bike, start peddling and don’t stop till Athens. Good luck Boz.


Preparation time 10 minutes
Cooking time 1-hour 15 minutes
Serves 2-4

Ingredients
3 tomatoes
A clove of garlic
An onion
A stalk of celery
1 tin of beans
Some sausage
Crusty bread

As with most things in life nothing is simple. I say this merely as a man who has spent the past week disrupted. Primarily by a freak atmospheric condition displacing diesel, but distinctly unbalanced by Minty’s impeding stork visit. Anyway despite the three-hour slog home the other night I could not help but feel a weight leave my shoulders as the sun bounced from the sea making me squint.

All this seaside relaxation provided the inspiration for today’s recipe. Seared Scallops with chilli mash and lemon marmalade. Scallops truly are the sweetest thing to come from our shores, plump tender and appropriately or prohibitively expensive depending on your thinking. However only a little is needed to make an impact. A scallop should cost about £1-£1.50 and a large one is enough for one (unless your particularly hungry).

The marmalade can be made well in advance and keep for about a fortnight on the fridge. In a small pan gently fry 1 onion finely sliced into rings in a little oil and sugar, when translucent but not browned add the juice and zest of two lemons, bring to the boil then simmer on a low heat adding a further two tablespoons of sugar, cook until a syrupy jam consistency.

For the mash boil peeled potatoes (Maris Piper or King Edward are my favourites for this job) and when cooked mash with salt and pepper. Leave to cool (using leftovers is a good way to save time). When cooled pat into 1 inch deep 2 ½ inch wide cakes. Lightly flour each side and gently fry until brown in chilli oil (olive oil leftover from roasting chilli’s that has been strained) the place in oven at 140C to keep warm until rest of the dish is cooked. You can use fresh chilli chopped finely and added to the mash but I find the flavour more delicate using the oil.

Slice the scallops width wise into three to produce three circles retaining the coral (the orange bit). Heat a little butter in a skillet or frying pan and when bubbling throw in the scallop slices and the coral, cook for 30 seconds on each side then place on top of the potato cake and dribble over the lemon marmalade. Select a dry white wine and enjoy. Like life this dish is not simple but is worth the effort.


Preparation time 20 minutes
Cooking time 20 minutes
Serves 4

Ingredients
4-8 Large Scallops
3 large potatoes
1 onion
2 lemons
Chilli Oil
Butter
Salt
Pepper
Sugar

Any requests for recipes to tonylavage@yahoo.com

The light nights are back and I can’t help feeling that little bit brighter and happier, new growth is everywhere and the world seems a better place for ridding itself of the depths of February.

With Easter upon us it’s time to think about all things fresh and springy, what could be more fresh and springy than Lamb? This is without doubt my favourite meat. Rather cynically many of the supermarket chains push the price up over Easter. Don’t be tempted by the spring lamb many shops are promoting; in my experience it’s overpriced and rather flavourless. Welsh Lamb is better than the Kiwi stuff but you don’t have to be picky.

I take the lamb leg and cut small holes into which I cram whole cloves of garlic and fresh rosemary plucked from the bountiful supply in the back garden. This has two effects, firstly the meat is infused with flavour and secondly when sliced you get pieces of garlic and rosemary to enjoy. Rub into the skin a mixture of salt, pepper and runny honey, get your hands dirty and don’t be squeamish.

Roast for 1½ hrs at 180C and 20 minutes at 230C. After removing from the pan cut along the bone on the underside of the leg then cut around the bone until removed in one piece (butterflied). Serve with roast potatoes and parsnips and something green (I usually plumb for broccoli).

Minty insists on home made mint sauce, serve and enjoy.

Preparation time 10 minutes
Cooking time 2 hours
Serves 6

Ingredients
1 leg of lamb (about 1.5-2kg)
Honey
Garlic
Rosemary
Salt
Pepper

For the past 5 months or so my friend Pat has been available, strangely he’s had precious little biting at his ample bait. It’s not that Pat’s not a keen angler but more that he doesn’t quite have the technique perfected. This in itself is not a million miles from the problem most people have knocking up a meal. The heart is willing but often the skills are not to match.

Take something as simple as spaghetti, cooked to death, drenched in sauce and seen more as filler than ingredient in its own right. All pasta should be cooked al dente, firm to the bite not boiled until it resembles a matted ball of snot. There are plenty of old wife’s tails as to how to tell that the pastas cooked, in my experience you just have to keep trying it until your happy then drain it straight away.

Take a good quality semolina based spaghetti (I use Castiglioni, £2.49 per kilo in Sainsburys), place it in plenty of boiling salted water. Add a little oil to the water and stir occasionally. It takes about 10-12 minutes to cook.

In a separate frying pan cook some Pancetta, finely diced mushroom and about 2 cloves of garlic. When the mixture is sufficiently browned add a decent glug of olive oil and mix well with the drained spaghetti and salt and pepper to taste. Serve with a bottle of something from the local booze merchants. Very quick, very tasty and just right for Pat if he ever asks a girl round for a bit of supper.

Preparation time 5 minutes
Cooking time 15 minutes
Serves 4

Ingredients
500g Spaghetti
100g Pancetta
100g mushroom
2 cloves of Garlic
Salt
Pepper
Olive Oil

I was left with the enviable task this week of dealing with a member of the paparazzi. A photo shoot was required and nothing but the best cufflinks would do. For 40 minutes a burly chap sporting the pre-requisite architects spectacles, Hoxton fin and combats manoeuvred my ample bulk until he was happy he had captured the appropriate Kodak moment. Sadly he was no Herb Ritts, and the resulting shot displayed a side of me that at best could be described as unflattering. I was left pondering exactly why celebrities would wish to do this regularly and was glad when he said he had to rush to his next assignment.

As he disappeared from view I remembered a somewhat industrial braised Oxtail I had spent a week digesting after a visit to a gastro pub in Hoxton. On my journey home I passed the window of Mr Hayes butchers shop to find him cutting some of the unctuous bovine treat. Done well Oxtail is ideal for this time of year done badly and its ideal for the 12th of Never.

The Oxtail is dipped in flour and mustard powder then seared in a little olive oil in a hot pan. When browned transfer to an appropriate vessel (I used a cast iron pan with lid) add a litre of beef stock, a stalk of celery, half a dozen carrots, a bay leaf, black pepper and 250mls of tomato Passata. Braise on a low heat for 3 hours and then leave overnight to cool. The following day skim off any excess fat and reheat for 1¼ hours at 180C. By this time the sauce is rich and thick, and the meat falls away from the bone. Serve with a simple mash (potato, butter, salt and pepper).

Preparation time 25 minutes
Cooking time 4 ½ hours
Serves 4-6

Ingredients
1kg Oxtail
1 litre of beef stock
A stalk of celery
Half a dozen carrots
A bay leaf
Black pepper
250mls of tomato Passata

To understand the appeal of Britney Spears one need look no further than the humble burger. Now whilst we all like something exotic and different there are times when all will do is the simple earthiness of a good burger. And therein lies Miss Spears attraction, slightly imperfect, slightly white trash but honest.

As it happened I was in one such “Britney” mood so armed with some fresh beef from the ever-dependable butcher I set to constructing the ideal midweek supper.

On this occasion Minty plumped for the Beef and Horseradish model, but other possibilities include beef and mustard or beef and cranberry. With some gusto mix the beef, half an onion, 1 clove of garlic, 1 egg yolk, a teaspoon of cornflour and 3 teaspoons of horseradish. When the mixture is all mixed leave for half an hour in the fridge.

Make ¼ pounder patties and fry in a pan until cooked (about 7-10 minutes depending on how rare you like your beef) and leave to settle for 2 minutes when removed from the pan.

I like to serve mine with lettuce, tomato and gherkin. Mintys’ not a gherkin kind of gal, and plumps for lettuce tomato and cheese. Tasty and honest.

Preparation time 10 minutes
Cooking time 15 minutes

Ingredients
1lb beef
Half an onion
1 clove of garlic
1 egg yolk
A teaspoon of cornflour
3 teaspoons of horseradish

Spaghetti Carbonara
Now I know this is a 70’s meal but it should be said there is nothing wrong with that, sadly the corruption of many 70’s meals such as chicken Kiev, beef Wellington and Fondue by shonky pubs has put people off. To some the 70's may have been a taste free disater but I say dust of the Chopper throw on the Anita Ward and ring that culinary bell.

We had this the other night I enjoyed it, Minty didn’t. Anyway boil some water with a little oil and salt, once boiling add the spaghetti to the pan and cook until soft but with a firm bite. Whilst the spaghetti cooks, fry some Pancetta or bacon in a pan until crispy and brown. In a bowl beat 2 eggs (buy free range or organic eggs, I know they are more expensive but the chickens didn’t suffer and they taste better) add salt, pepper and a good grating of Parmesan.

Drain the spaghetti and put in a large serving bowl, pour over the egg mixture and the Pancetta and stir. Season to taste with more salt and pepper and serve with a large glass of very cold Blue Nun for the truly authentic feel.

Cooking Time 15 minutes

Ingredients
Enough spaghetti for 2-4
2 eggs
100g Pancetta or Bacon
A good grating of Parmesan
Salt
Pepper

One of the best things about weekends (aside from not being at work, colour supplements and that stolen moment first thing on Sunday when no one else in the street is up) is the possibility of cooking something that requires more than half an hour of cooking.

With this in mind what better for the crisp arctic conditions of February and March then a slow roasted pork belly. When meat is slow roasted it retains its moisture. The result is meat that falls away form the bone, has enhanced flavour and a totally different texture.

Slow roasting need two things, an oven that you can control the heat of and a fattier piece of meat. Pork belly is ideal for this but other ideas could include, shoulder of lamb, brisket or silverside of beef or duck. As the fat melts in the oven it seeps through the food until finding it's way to the bottom of the pan. The slow seep means that all the flavours from the fat are infused into the meat without the health problems associated with a high fat diet.

On selecting the meat.
I go to my butcher down the road, partly because I like to think of myself as a renaissance man who supports local industry, partly because he offers cuts you can't buy in the supermarket (except for ASDA bizarrely) and partly because he can select the best piece of meat for the purpose whilst guaranteeing its quality, at half the price I should add). Get him to leave the bones on as these will add flavour and prevent the bottom of the pan from sticking to the meat.

If you don't have a good local butcher, and many people don't, there is nothing wrong with the supermarket meat. The thing to remember is to remove it from the plastic box as soon as possible. This is what causes the meat to be slightly limp and damp and why your crackling doesn't go crisp. With Pork, the darker pink meat will have more flavour rather than the lighter looking joints. Only get enough meat for your purpose and a few sandwiches for lunch the next day. With all this in mind it should be possible to make a big flavoured comfy cardigan of a meal.

Take the Pork (ask the butcher to score the skin) and pat it dry with some kitchen towel. Rub salt into the skin and put enough oil just to coat the bottom of the roasting pan. Put the Pork into the middle of the oven at 130C for 6-8 hours. 6-8 hours later return to the pork and turn the oven up to 230C and cook for a further 30-45mins until the skin is crisp and golden. Remove from oven and leave to sit for 10 minutes. The Pork should pull away from the bones with no need for cutting; I use a set of tongues and a knife.

Serve with some cabbage that has been steamed, coated in plenty of butter and black pepper with a little salt to flavour. Place in a large serving bowl in the middle of the table and let everybody help themselves. Remember to get out the mustard and applesauce. Delicious heartening and well worth the wait.

Cooking Time 7-9 hours (only 25 minutes of work)

Ingredients
1 Belly of pork (4-6 ribs length 1kg approx is enough for 4 with enough leftover for work sandwiches)
Salt
Pepper

For the cabbage
½ Savoy cabbage
Plenty of butter
Plenty of black pepper
Salt